Now or never: I will write.

Though making writing a paid job has been on the table for a really long time, I never seriously acted on it until now. What changed? Well for one, I suddenly found myself with a lot less time on my hands. I had a baby.

Having a baby really puts a different perspective on things. Suddenly, you realize how efficient and focused you can be in the little time allotted for any single task. Like many aspiring—Cringe! Oh how I hate that epithet. Scratch that. Like many aspiring writers, I have been writing only on the side. There never seemed enough time for my dream. Now, this has finally come true.

After struggling for a while (my son is now nearly a year old) to get a handle on my schedule, I had a really low period. I was tired of always being interrupted while trying to write; I was tired of not having full control over what I do and when I do it (a baby does that to you), and I was tired of living for the future–the future when I am a full-time writer. I was most of all upset that I hadn’t used my time more wisely when I had it.

Then one particularly gloomy day last week while feeling very down and half-sick with a cold, I finally got it! I realized that if I don’t get on with living my dream now, I never will. Now, this sounds trivial and obvious, but there is a fine, yet significant line between knowing something and realizing something.

I already know that if I want to make it as a writer, I need to act professionally about it even before anybody has laid eyes on my work. I know that very well, but only last week did I finally internalize the fact that there will never be a better time than the now to finally begin.

If my dream always inhabits this far-off reality, I will never be able to catch up with it. Life will always intervene and keep an equidistant abyss between my now and my then. In a way, I had to make a mental quantum leap and bring this dreamed reality to my present.

So now, I’m finally on my way to achieving what I want and I have stopped hoping that life will allow me to. I myself have allowed me to. Before I could even begin to rearrange my life to accommodate me as a writer, the rearrangement had to first happen in my head.

Author: Adriana Kantcheva

I'm a Bulgarian writer of (often) speculative fiction, who lives in Germany.

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